pc jan 29 1999 LUCY: OH. HEY. ARE YOU STILL WORKING ON THOSE CONTRACTS FOR THE INFOMERCIAL? YOU'VE BEEN AT THAT ALL DAY, HAVEN'T YOU? SCOTT: WELL, I WANTED TO GET ALL MY PAPERWORK DONE BEFORE RUBY'S MEMORIAL SERVICE TOMORROW. LUCY: OH, UH, YEAH. WHOO. I -- I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S GONE. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME. YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST IN KELLY'S. I PICKED UP MY USUAL JELLY DOUGHNUTS THE OTHER DAY, AND SHE GAVE ME JUST AS HARD A TIME AS SHE ALWAYS DOES -- DID. [DOORBELL RINGS] SCOTT: UH -- LUCY: NO, NO, I'LL GET IT. HI. DELIVERY MAN: HI. I HAVE A PACKAGE FOR LUCY COE. LUCY: OH, YOU DO. OH, I COULD KISS YOU. OH, OH, IS IS GREAT. THIS IS GREAT. DELIVERY MAN: SIGN HERE. LUCY: OK, WAIT. OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH. TA. HAVE A GREAT DAY. SCOTT: WHAT'D YOU GET? LUCY: OH, THIS IS IT. THIS IS FROM THE DRESSMAKER. OF COURSE, IT'S JUST A PROTOTYPE, YOU KNOW, SO I'M SURPRISED, THOUGH, SHE GOT IT DONE SO QUICKLY, I MEAN, EVEN THOUGH -- HUH. SERENA: GOT WHAT DONE SO QUICKLY? LUCY: WELL, THIS -- THIS IN THIS BOX IS A MOCKUP. THAT MEANS IT'S KIND OF LIKE A PRETEND DRESS, THE FIRST DRESS OF THE LUCY COE COLLECTION, POSSIBLY. IT IS GOING TO TRANSFORM THE FASHION WORLD. SCOTT: WELL, LET'S SEE IT. LUCY: OK. OH. YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE'D BETTER NOT. MAYBE THAT'S SORT OF BRINGING BAD LUCK. MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST ALL WAIT FOR THE BIG UNVEILING, YOU KNOW. SERENA: PLEASE, LUCY? PLEASE? CAN WE SEE IT? SCOTT: IF I'M GOING TO BE MIXED UP WITH THIS, I WANT TO SEE THIS AND I WANT TO SEE IT NOW, OK? LUCY: OK. OK. YOU KNOW WHAT? AS SOON AS WOMEN GET A LOAD OF THIS DRESS, THEY ARE GOING TO COME BEGGING FOR IT BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO COMPLETELY TRANSFORM THEIR LOVE LIFE. READY? TA-DA! SERENA: AWESOME! SCOTT: WELL, THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT ARE GOING TO COME BEGGING FOR THAT DRESS, LUCY, ARE LITTLE 8-YEAR-OLDS. FRANK: IT'S SET? ARE YOU SURE? I DON'T WANT ANY FOUL-UPS TONIGHT. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK. JOE: HEY. WHAT'S GOING ON? FRANK: OH, HEY, IT'S YOU. I THOUGHT IT WAS LARK. I'M PLANNING A SURPRISE FOR HER PARTY TONIGHT. JOE: OH, YEAH? WHAT? FRANK: I'M NOT TELLING ANYONE. LARK: YOU'RE NOT TELLING ANYONE WHAT? FRANK: NOTHING. LARK: THE PARTY'S OFF AND YOU'RE AFRAID TO TELL ME, RIGHT? FRANK: OF COURSE NOT. I HAVE PLANNED THIS PARTY TO THE LAST DETAIL. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE PERFECT. CHRIS: DARREN. CHRIS RAMSEY. FINE, THANKS. LISTEN, I HAVE IT FROM A RELIABLE SOURCE THAT FRANK SCANLON IS STILL ON DRUGS. WELL, I CAN PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEE THAT WILL BECOME PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE BEFORE THE G.H. REVIEW BOARD. WELL, AS MY ATTORNEY, I JUST THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW. ALL RIGHT. BYE-BYE. [CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NCI'S CORPORATE PARTNERS] JOE: OK. WHAT DO YOU THINK? WITH OR WITHOUT TIE? NEIL: WITHOUT. JOE: ALL RIGHT. GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE. [DOORBELL RINGS] NEIL: I'LL GET IT. CHRIS. CHRIS: HEY. WHAT'S HAPPENING, BU HOW YOU DOING? NEIL: GOOD. CHRIS: JOE. NEIL: MOM, CHRIS IS HERE! COURTNEY: I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN. CHRIS: SO, HOW'S MY FAVORITE LITTLE BOOKIE-IN-THE-MAKING? NEIL: DON'T MENTION THE BOOKIE THING IN FRONT OF MY MOM. SHE WANTS ME TO BE A LAWYER. CHRIS: OOH, WELL, YOU KNOW, NEIL, THERE'S REALLY NOT THAT MUCH DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO. JOE: HEY, NEIL, WHY DON'T YOU GO GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER FOR SERENA'S, OK? NEIL: OK. JOE: DON'T YOU DARE GIVE HIM ANY MORE TIPS ON GAMBLING. CHRIS: COME ON, JOE, LIGHTEN UP. BESIDES, WHAT NEIL DOES IS UP TO HIS MOTHER, NOT YOU. COURTNEY: HI! CHRIS: HEY. WHOA. KNOCK MY EYES OUT, WHY DON'T YOU. HOW ARE YOU? COURTNEY: I'M GOOD. NEIL: READY. COURTNEY: OH, I HAVE TO DROP NEIL OFF AT SERENA'S. IS THAT OK? CHRIS: YEAH, NOT A PROBLEM. COURTNEY: GOOD. LET'S GO. CHRIS: OK. NEIL: NIGHT, JOE. JOE: ALL RIGHT, HAVE FUN, KIDDO. COURTNEY: REMEMBER YOUR COAT. HERE. COURTNEY: FORGOT MY HOUSE KEYS. JOE: SO I TAKE IT YOU HAVEN'T TOLD RAMSEY ABOUT ME BEING NEIL'S FATHER. COURTNEY: I HAVEN'T FOUND THE RIGHT TIME. JOE: ALL RIGHT, WELL, DEAL WITH IT SOONER RATHER THAN LATER OR I WILL TELL RAMSEY MYSELF. I'M CONCERNED ABOUT THE TYPE OF INFLUENCE HE HAS OVER NEIL. COURTNEY: IF IT MEANS THAT MUCH TO YOU, JOE, I'LL TELL CHRIS TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT? LUCY: WELL, I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS. GUESS WHAT -- THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE ORDER APPARENTLY WROTE DOWN CHILD SIZE EIGHT INSTEAD OF ADULT SIZE EIGHT. SCOTT: FOR HEAVEN SAKES. LUCY: NO, NO, NO. IT'S OK. IT'S GOOD BECAUSE THEY REALIZED THEIR MISTAKE RIGHT AWAY AND THEY'RE WORKING ON MY DRESS AS WE SPEAK. SERENA: I THINK IT'S PRETTY THE WAY IT IS. LUCY: OH. WELL, THANK YOU. I THINK IT IS RATHER ADORABLE -- YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO? WHAT IF WE MARKET DRESSES FOR LITTLE GIRLS, TOO? SCOTT: SPEAKING AS THE FATHER OF A LITTLE GIRL -- ARE YOU CRAZY? I'M IN NO RUSH FOR HER TO GROW UP. KIDS CLOTHES ARE FINE. SERENA: DAD, YOU SAID THAT WHEN LUCY WAS TRYING TO MAKE THE SERENA COSMETICS. SCOTT: WELL, THERE YOU GO. I'M CONSISTENT. THERE WILL BE NO SERENA COSMETICS. THERE WILL BE NO LINE OF SERENA CLOTHES, PERIOD. LUCY: I LIKE THAT. THAT WOULD MAKE A GREAT NAME FOR THIS DRESS LINE. "SERENA LINE." SERENA -- YES, YES, YES, YES. SERENA: CAN WE DO IT, DADDY? LUCY: COME ON, IT WOULD BE GREAT. I PROMISE, I WON'T MARKET ANY DRESSES FOR LITTLE GIRLS. I JUST WANT TO USE THE NAME SERENA. COME ON, SERENA LINE. PLEASE? SERENA: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE? SCOTT: ALL RIGHT. SERENA: YAY! YOU TWO ARE THE BEST, AND YOU'RE REALLY GREAT TOGETHER. SCOTT: NEIL'S DUE ANY MINUTE. SERENA: NO. BUT YOU TWO NEED TO WORK ALONE ON THIS DRESS PATTERN. SCOTT: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LUCY: I AM CALLING ELLEN. SCOTT: DIDN'T YOU HEAR SERENA? WE'RE ALONE. LUCY: YEAH. I NEED TO JUST, YOU KNOW, TELL HER THAT WE'RE GOING TO USE HER LITTLE, ROMANTIC STORY FOR OUR INFOMERCIAL. SCOTT: YOU HAVEN'T TOLD HER YET? LUCY: NO. NO, NO, NOT QUITE YET, YOU KNOW. SCOTT: LUCY, ARE YOU CRAZY? I'VE ALREADY GIVEN A NONREFUNDABLE CHECK. I GOT THE STUDIO, I GOT THE CREW, I GOT THREE BOXES OF DOUGHNUTS. WE'RE SET HERE. LUCY: GOOD, GOOD. WELL, GOOD. THAT'S GREAT. YOU'VE BEEN A VERY BUSY BOY. I'M PROUD OF YOU. I'M SURE SHE'LL SAY YES BECAUSE WE'RE VERY GOOD FRIENDS AND SHE'LL DO ANYTHING I ASK. I JUST KNOW IT. FRANK: OH, YOU LOOK WONDERFUL. LARK: REALLY? DO I LOOK OK? FRANK: OH, YOU ARE SO FAR BEYOND OK. YOU MUST BE EXPECTING THAT GUY FROM POLY SCI. LARK: OH, YOU -- YOU INVITED HIM? FRANK: YEAH, BOB THURSTON? HE'LL BE THERE. LARK: NO! THAT'S NOT THE GUY. IT'S -- FRANK and LARK: EVAN PATRONI! FRK: YEAH, HE'S COMING. HE SAID HE WOULDN'T MISS IT. LARK: GOOD. KAREN: HI, BIRTHDAY GIRL! LARK: HI. KAREN: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! LARK: THANK YOU SO MUCH. FRANK: HEY, WHERE'S MY HUG? KAREN: WHEN YOU TURN 18, LET ME KNOW. JOE: HEY, YOU TRYING TO MAKE TIME WITH MY WOMAN? FRANK: YEAH, YOU GOT ME. JOE: YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE, LARK. LARK: THANKS. FRANK: HEY, CAN YOU -- CAN YOU TAKE LARK? I NEED TO PICK SOMETHING UP. LARK: WHAT? FRANK: A SURPRISE. LARK: OH, WELL, WHAT KIND OF SURPRISE? FRANK: WELL, IT'S THE KIND OF SURPRISE THAT ACTUALLY SURPRISES YOU. LARK: OH, COME ON, COME ON. PLEASE GIVE ME A HINT. FRANK: OK, THE ONLY HINT IS THAT I GUARANTEE TONIGHT WILL BE A NIGHT TO REMEMBER. FLIGHT 1 TO CANCUN HAS BEEN DELAYED. OH, THE HEADACHE OF TRAVEL. AND FOR HEADACHES, DOCTORS RECOMMEND TYLENOL... MORE THAN ADVIL, BAYER AND EXCEDRIN COMBINED. FEELING BETTER NOW ? ook what daddy gets. VO: When you make a SPAMBURGER hamburger... DAD: Perfect. VO: ...watch out. 'Cause it's so good... DAD: I got it. VO: ...it's gone. BABY: (BABY BURP) Gaah... VO: SPAM. So good... ...it's gone. THREE WOMEN. THREE PREGNANCY TESTS. SHE SAW A LINE. SHE SAW TWO LINES. SHE SAW A PLUS SIGN. WITH FACT PLUS ONE STEP... THE PLUS/MINUS SIGNS ARE SO EASY TO READ, THEY'RE UNMISTAKABLE. HELLO, MOM. GUESS WHAT ? FACT PLUS. IT'S THE TWIZZLERS SHOW FEATURING THE PULL-N-PEEL DANCERS. TONIGHT, WHILE YOU WERE OUT, YOUR KIDS WERE IN THE TRUSTED CARE OF BETTY THE BABYSITTER. YOU KNOW THEY ATE WELL BECAUSE BETTY MADE NEW SWANSON BONELESS FRIED CHICKEN DINNERS. YOUR KIDS ATE THE BROWNIES FIRST. THEY DEVOURED THE TENDER ALL WHITE MEAT IN THE CRISPY COATING WITH LESS THAN PERFECT TABLE MANNERS, AND THEY FINISHED THEIR MASHED POTATOES WITH THEIR FINGERS. OH, LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A KID, YOU DIDN'T EAT A SWANSON DINNER THE SAME WAY WITH JOAN THE BABYSITTER. JOE: YOU THINKING ABOUT RUBY? KAREN: YEAH. I WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT TO MY 18th BIRTHDAY WITHOUT HER. JOE: I KNOW YOU'LL MISS HER. CHRIS: ALL RIGHT. LET'S STEP UP, GIVE IT A WHIRL. COURTNEY: KARAOKE? CHRIS: YEAH. COURTNEY: NO. NO, NO, NO. I CANNOT CARRY A TUNE. NEIL'S THE HAM IN THIS FAMILY, NOT ME. NO. CHRIS: WELL, I GUESS IT'S A SHAME WE DIDN'T BRING HIM, HUH? THE THREE OF US SHOULD GO DOWN THERE SOMETIME WHEN WE'RE ON OUR OWN. THAT IS, OF COURSE, IF JOE GIVES HIS STAMP OF APPROVAL. COURTNEY: LISTEN, JOE'S NOT THAT BAD. CHRIS: YOU KIDDING ME? COME ON. HAVE YOU SEEN HOW OVERPROTECTIVE HE IS OF NEIL? COURTNEY: WELL, HE HAS A REASON FOR THAT. CHRIS: NO, NO, NO. JUST BECAUSE HE WAS THE PRIMARY DOCTOR IN NEIL'S CASE DOESN'T MEAN HE HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU -- COURTNEY: CHRIS, THAT'S NOT -- THAT'S NOT IT. THERE'S NOT AN EASY WAY TO SAY THIS. I WAS ALREADY PREGNANT WHEN I MARRIED JOHN. CHRIS: BUT JOHN WASN'T THE FATHER? COURTNEY: NO. JOE WAS. CHRIS: HOW LONG HAS HE KNOWN? COURTNEY: I JUST TOLD HIM RECENTLY. CHRIS: AND DOES NEIL KNOW? COURTNEY: YES. I TOLD HIM IN GREECE. CHRIS: LL. I GUESS IT'S A GOOD THING THAT NEIL HAS ALL OF HIS MOTHER'S FINE QUALITIES AND VERY FEW OF THE ABERRANT SCANLON GENES. COURTNEY: THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR BEING SO COOL ABOUT THIS. I KNOW YOU THINK JOE'S A JERK. CHRIS: WELL, JOE IS A JERK. BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO STOP ME FROM GETTING TO KNOW YOU. SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? LET'S GO DO SOME DAMAGE UP THERE. COURTNEY: OH, YOU MUST BE A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT. CHRIS: COME ON, NOTHING TURNS ME ON MORE THAN A WOMAN WHO, YOU KNOW, CAN'T CARRY A TUNE. COURTNEY: OH, THEN I A DEFINITELY THE WOMAN FOR YOU. LUCY: ELLEN. ELLEN, ELLEN, ELLEN. IT'S JUST -- IT'S SO NICE OF YOU TO COME OVER ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE. ELLEN: WELL, YOU SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT. HEY, SCOTT. HOW YOU DOING? SCOTT: HI. LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT. ELLEN: THANKS. LUCY: OH, WOW. AND LOOK AT THAT DRESS. IS THAT A BEAUTIFUL DRESS OR WHAT. IS THAT NEW? ELLEN: NO, YOU'VE SEEN IT BEFORE. LUCY: OH. WELL, I HAVE NEVER SEEN IT LOOK BETTER ON YOU. OH, I KNOW -- YOU'VE LOST WEIGHT, HAVEN'T YOU? ELLEN: OK, WHAT'S GOING ON, LUCY? LUCY: NOTHING. CAN'T A PAL JUST COMPLIMENT ANOTHER GAL PAL, YOU KNOW, WHEN SHE LOOKS REALLY FABULOUS WITHOUT PEOPLE THINKING IT'S ULTERIOR MOTIVES INVOLVED? ELLEN: WELL, YOU SEE, YOU'RE MY FRIEND, LUCY, AND I KNOW THAT YOU'D GIVE ME YOUR RIGHT ARM IF I NEEDED IT -- BUT I RECOGNIZE YOU IN I-NEED-SOMETHING MODE, SO -- SCOTT: SO SPIT IT OUT.V LUCY: BACK OFF. ELLEN: OH, MY GOSH. WHY DO I HAVE A FEELING THIS IS NOT GOOD? LUCY: OH, NO, NO, NO. IT IS -- IT IS GOOD. IN FACT, IT'S MORE THAN GOOD. IT'S ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL. ELLEN: WHAT IS? LUCY: WELL, UH, LET'S SEE, HOW TO PUT THIS. YOU SEE, I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE -- SCOTT: SHE WANTS TO USE YOUR MARDI GRAS STORY TO SELL HER LINE OF CLOTHES. ELLEN: YOU TOLD HIM MY STORY? LUCY: THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. SCOTT: WELL, COME ON. I WAS GETTING OLD AND BALD HERE WAITING FOR YOU TO TELL THE STORY. ELLEN: YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING. LUCY: I'M NOT KIDDING. YOUR STORY IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND SO ROMANTIC, IT DESERVES TO BE TOLD. ELLEN: NO, IT DOESN'T. LUCY: YES, IT DOES. OH, ELLEN, PLEASE, PLEASE. JUST STOP. THINK OF YOURSELF. YOU KNOW, PICTURE YOURSELF IN NEW ORLEANS, SITTING THERE, THE MOODY FOG COMING IN. YOU'RE ALONE, COULDN'T GET A DATE. ELLEN: I NEVER SAID I COULDN'T GET A DATE. SCOTT: OK, SO, TWO PEOPLE -- THEY SEE EACH OTHER FROM A DISTANCE, RIGHT? THEY FALL IN LOVE, AND THEN THE CROWD SWALLOWS THEM UP. ELLEN: I NEVER SAID I FELL IN LOVE! LUCY: ELLEN, YOUR STORY IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND IT'S JUST SO ROMANTIC. IN FACT, IT IS SO ROMANTIC, I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO CRY. ELLEN: I AM SO VERY THRILLED THAT YOU FIND MY PERSONAL MEMORY SO MOVING. BUT I HAVE NO DESIRE TO SHARE IT WITH A NATIONWIDE AUDIENCE. NO WAY, NO HOW. NO! CHRIS: ü KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM ü COURTNEY: [OFF-KEY] ü WHEN TO FOLD 'EM ü CHRIS: ü KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY ü COURTNEY and CHRIS: ü AND KNOW WHEN TO RUN ü CHRIS: ü YOU NEVER COUNT YOUR MONEY ü COURTNEY: YOU DON'T COUNT THAT MONEY! CHRIS: ü WHEN YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE THEY'LL BE TIME ENOUGH FOR COUNTING ü COURTNEY and CHRIS: ü WHEN THE DEALING'S DONE üü MARY: HELLO! FRANK: HEY, MOM. MARY: HI. LARK: HI. FRANK: HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY AT WORK? MARY: WELL, THEY KNOW I'M BACK. FRANK: I'M SURE THEY DO. MARY: HOW'S THE BIRTHDAY GIRL? LARK: OOH, THIS DAY HAS BEEN GREAT. FRANK: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S ABOUT TO GET BETTER. EXCUSE ME. ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY -- HEY, LISTEN UP. AS I'M SURE YOU ALL KNOW, WE'RE HERE TO CELEBRATE THE 18th BIRTHDAY OF ONE VERY SPECIAL YOUNG WOMAN, LARK MADISON. NOW, I THINK YOU ALL KNOW THAT LARK HASN'T HAD THE EASIEST TIME OF IT, BUT SHE HAS USED THOSE DIFFICULT EXPERIENCES TO BECOME A BETTER PERSON, SOMEONE I'M VERY PROUD OF. NOW, WHAT SOME OF YOU MAY NOT KNOW IS THAT I FILED FOR ADOPTION PAPERS A WHILE BACK. AND ALTHOUGH LARK IS NOW 18, SHE DOESN'T NEED A LEGAL GUARDIAN, WE ALL NEED A FAMILY. AND I WANT HER TO KNOW THAT SHE HAS ONE WITH ME. SHE ALWAYS WILL. FRANK: THE ADOPTION PAPERS CAME THROUGH, AND I -- I SIGNED THEM RIGHT BEFORE I CAME DOWN HERE TONIGHT, SO I AM OFFICIALLY YOUR DAD. [APPLAUSE] LARK: WOW. FRANK SAID HE WOULD SURPRISE ME, AND GOSH, HE SURE DID. I -- I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE A BETTER BIRTHDAY GIFT. THE TRUTH IS IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE SCANLONS -- PARTICULARLY FRANK -- I WOULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT. AND IF THERE IS NO OBJECTION, I WOULD LIKE A NEW NAME TO GO WITH MY NEW DAD. I WANT TO BE A SCANLON. LARK SCANLON. IS THAT OK? MARY: YOU BET IT IS. COME HERE. OH, LARK. LARK: THANK YOU. THIS IS THE COOLEST DAY OF MY LIFE. FRANK: HEY, I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE PERFECT, HUH? LARK: IT'S GREAT. KAREN: CONGRATULATIONS. FRANK: HEY, HOW ABOUT A TOAST, HUH? ALL RIGHT. A TOAST -- TO LARK SCANLON. DESIGNED WITH FLOSS IN MIND, THE COLGATE TOTAL PROFESSIONAL TOOTHBRUSH... HAS BRISTLES THAT CLEAN DOWN AND AROUND TEETH... AND ALONG THE GUM LINE. COLGATE TOTAL. OF ALL THE THINGS WE MIGHT PUT HONEY IN, THE BEST MAY BE NEW HONEY COUGH. INTRODUCING THE FIRST LINE OF COUGH DROPS AND COUGH SYRUP COMBINING EFFECTIVE MEDICINE WITH REAL HONEY. TO RELIEVE EVEN THE WORST COUGHS. [ Cough ] NEW HONEY COUGH. FROM THE MAKERS OF ROBITUSSIN, MMMM ! NATURALLY. IT'S A FEVER. AN EARACHE. EVERY MINUTE SHE FEELS BAD IS A MINUTE TOO LONG. USE CHILDREN'S ADVIL. SO FAST ON FEVER, IT CONTROLS IT FASTER THAN CHILDREN'S TYLENOL. LASTS UP TO 8 HOURS. CHILDREN'S ADVIL: ü YUM... ü NEW CREME SAVERS FROM LIFE SAVERS. ü CREME LA LA CREME ü STRAWBERRIES & CREME... ü CREME YUM ü ORANGE & CREME... ü CREME LA LA CREME ü ü CREME YUM ü CHOCOLATE & CARAMEL & CREME... ü CREME LA LA CREME ü ü CREME YUM ü FLAVORS TOGETHER... ü CREME LA LA CREME ü LASTING FOREVER. ü CREME YUM ü ü THE CREAMIEST, DREAMIEST ü ü LIFE SAVERS YET ü NEW... ü YUM ü IF YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT JUMPING INTO A RUGGED NEW MONTANA, I NEED MORE ROOM! NOW'S A REALLY GOOD TIME... NEVER SEEN A MINIVAN DO THAT BEFORE! MAYBE IT'S NOT REALLY A MINIVAN. LIFE IS MORE EXCITING... IN MONTANA. NOW JUMP INTO A RUGGED MONTANA WITH THIS LIMITED TIME OFFER... BUT GET A MOVE ON, BECAUSE THE TRAIN'S LEAVING THE STATION. ONE 3 LAYER WEDDING CAKE. DONE! 3? SHOULD BE 6. BAYER CAN RELIEVE ARTHRITIS INFLAMMATION. LENOL CAN'T. AND TAKEN REGULARLY, BAYER CAN HELP SAVE YOUR LIFE. TA DA! ASK YOUR DOCTOR. SCOTT: I TELL YOU, THOSE KIDS ARE BUSY IN THERE WATCHING "MARTIN AND LEWIS," THEY DIDN'T NOTICE I PUT A WHOLE PLATE OF DOUGHNUTS DOWN. ELLEN: GOOD. BECAUSE CHILDREN SHOULDN'T SEE WHAT I'M GOING TO DO TO YOU, LUCY, IF YOU CONTINUE WITH THIS RIDICULOUS IDEA OF USING MY STORY. LUCY: ELLEN, ELLEN, PLEASE, PLEASE -- ELLEN: NO. LUCY: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE? SCOTT: LISTEN, LISTEN -- WE'D CHANGE YOUR NAME. ELLEN: RIGHT. BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT USING MY STORY. LUCY: NO. NO, NO, NO. PLEASE. BUT, ELLEN, PLEASE -- ELLEN: HEY, HEY -- YOU WANT A ROMANTIC TALE? LUCY: WELL, YES, OF COURSE. THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING THIS, YES. ELLEN: OK, I GOT ONE FOR YOU. ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS THIS -- THE LOVELY HEAD OF A COSMETICS FIRM WAS FLYING DOWN TO FLORIDA WITH HER LONG-TIME FRIEND AND FORMER LOVER, A DASHINGLY HANDSOME ATTORNEY -- SCOTT: I LIKE THIS STORY. ELLEN: WHEN SUDDENLY THE PLANE WAS FORCED DOWN AND THE TWO LONG-TIME FRIENDS WERE KIDNAPPED BY DRUG SMUGGLERS AND TRAPPED IN A TUNNEL AND NEARLY EATEN ALIVE BY CROCODILES. LUCY and SCOTT: ALLIGATORS. ELLEN: THEY HAPPENED UPON THIS DESERTED MANSION, WHERE THEY FOUND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CLOTHING FROM A BYGONE ERA. AND WHEN THE TWO FRIENDS PUT ON THE CLOTHING, THEY FOUND THAT THEIR PASSION FOR ONE ANOTHER WAS REKINDLED. LUCY: I LOVE THAT STORY. I MEAN, I REALLY LOVE THAT STORY. BUT WE CAN'T USE IT, THOUGH, BECAUSE SERENA WOULD RECOGNIZE IT. SHE'D KNOW. SHE'D KNOW. ELLEN: AND SOMEONE MIGHT RECOGNIZE MY STORY, TOO. SCOTT: WELL, YOU KNOW, WE'D -- WE'D CHANGE IT AROUND. I MEAN, IT'S JUST SORT OF A STARTING POINT. LUCY: RIGHT. OH, RIGHT. VERY GOOD. HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. YOU WOULD NEVER, EVER RECOGNIZE YOUR STORY BY THE TIME WE GET FINISHED WITH -- OH, AND NOW, HONESTY HERE -- COME ON, ELLEN -- WHO DID YOU TELL? YOU DIDN'T TELL ANYBODY ELSE BUT ME, RIGHT? I KNOW YOU DIDN'T, SO NO ONE WOULD RECOGNIZE YOU. DON'T YOU SEE? AND BESIDES, WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER THINK THAT STODGY, OLD ELLEN BURGESS WOULD EVER HAVE SUCH A DARING, PASSIONATE ADVENTURE? PLEASE. ELLEN: OK. I WILL CONSIDER IT. BUT FIRST I WANT TO SEE HOW YOU'RE GOING TO CHANGE IT BEFORE I AGREE. LUCY: OK, OK, OK. OH! THIS IS GREAT. THIS IS JUST SO GREAT. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I PROMISE YOU, WE WON'T LET YOU DOWN. IT'LL BE GREAT. JUST GREAT. KAREN and MARY: ü HEY, LITTLE SISTER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? ü MARY: ü OOH ü KAREN and MARY: ü HEY, LITTLE SISTER WHO'S THE ONLY ONE? ü KAREN: YOU'RE VERY GOOD AT THIS. MARY: NO, I'M NOT. DON'T DO THAT. KAREN and MARY: ü HEY, LITTLE SISTER WHO'S YOUR SUPERMAN? HEY, LITTLE SISTER WHO'S THE ONE YOU WANT? HEY, LITTLE SISTER SHOTGUN IT'S A NICE DAY TO START AGAIN ü CHRIS: I SEE YOUR MOTHER'S BEEN PICKING UP A FEW EXTRA GRANDKIDS LATELY, HUH? JOE: WELL, I ASSUME COURTNEY TOLD YOU THAT I'M NEIL'S FATHER? CHRIS: YEAH, YEAH. MUST'VE BEEN QUITE AN ADJUSTMENT FOR YOU -- YOU KNOW, JUMP INTO THAT ROLE OF INSTA-DAD. JOE: WELL, IT TURNS OUT I WAS A NATURAL. CHRIS: WELL, LIFE'S FULL OF SURPRISES, HUH? JOE: YEAH. YEAH, IT IS. YOU KNOW, ONE OF MY NEWFOUND ABILITIES IS TO SPOT BAD INFLUENCES. CHRIS: OH, I BET, YEAH. LIKE YOUR DRUGGIE BROTHER. JOE: NO. NO, I WAS TALKING ABOUT A CERTAIN UNETHICAL M.D. YOU'D BETTER STOP BEING A JACKASS AROUND MY SON, OR IT'LL BE MY PLEASURE AS INSTA-DAD TO POUND HIS PEA BRAIN INTO THE GROUND. CHRIS: OOH. OK, WELL, JUST SO LONG AS WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS, RIGHT, JOE? JOE: DON'T COUNT ON IT. CHRIS: YOU KNOW, TELL ME, WHAT IS IT LIKE OVER AT THE SCANLON HOUSE NOW? BECAUSE, LET'S SEE -- YOU'RE ENGAGED TO KAREN, BUT YOU'RE STILL LIVING WITH THE MOTHER OF YOUR ILLEGITIMATE KID? I MEAN, NOT EXACTLY THE WALTONS, IS IT? JOE: WHAT'S YOUR POINT? FRANK: THE ONLY POINT HE HAS IS AT THE TOP OF HIS HEAD. CHRIS: OH, GOOD TO SEE THAT GETTING OFF DL-56 HAS MADE YOU THE PILLAR OF SOCIETY. SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR YOUR -- YOUR NEW DAUGHTER. FRANK: YOU -- JOHNNY LA LA: HEY, HEY, GUYS. FRANK: JOE. CHRIS: OH, THAT'S VERY CLEVER, FRANK. LARK: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JOE: FRANK -- FRANK! FRANK: IT WASN'T ME! JOE: FRANK, NO. FRANK: THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING'S TRYING TO START SOMETHING! JOE: FRANK, CALM DOWN. CHRIS: YOU KIDDING ME? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO JUST KNOCKED YOUR BROTHER ON HIS CAN. GET A GRIP! JOE: FRANK! LARK: NO! FRANK: YOU'RE SLIME, RAMSEY! COURTNEY: WHAT HAPPENED? CHRIS: I DON'T KNOW. HE JUST WENT POSTAL. FRANK: LET GO OF ME! JOE: STOP IT. FRANK: LET GO OF ME! I'M FINE! MARY: FRANK, FRANK -- COURTNEY: HE MUST BE DRUNK OR SOMETHING. CHRIS: OR SOMETHING.